1. No touching is the ‘breast’ policy…Your man has been warned off your lady bumps. Find out more about sleep apnea cures from Positive Health Wellness – https://www.positivehealthwellness.com/ Not just warned…you’re thinking about committing homicide every time he does the ‘accidental brush.’ Why? Because they’re sore, and I’m not talking a little uncomfortable, they are tenderer than a Thanksgiving turkey. Pregnant boobs are swollen, full, even ‘hard’ feeling, and very painful. And your man had best find a new hobby to play with.
2. Just call them the ‘Areola Twins’… so your boobs are like twin domes of evil. Well, now they’re watching you with their big, dark eyes. You’re not seeing things, your areolas just became darker seemingly overnight, and increased in size. Those bumps around your areola are probably enlarged too. It’s your hormones ladies, and this is perfectly normal if not a bit, well, disconcerting. Welcome to pregnancy breasts at their finest. Now just you wait until they grow as big as watermelons and can no longer be contained by Victoria Secret. You’re headed for tent-sized maternity bras. Yikes.
3. Holy spotty underwear, Batman! If you discover some light to medium pink splotching in your undies earlier than you expected Aunt Flo to visit, it’s nothing to worry about. A spray of stain remover and you’re as good as new. When the embryo (your embryo) implants in the uterus around five to ten days after conception, you could experience ‘implantation bleeding.’ It’s icky, but not life threatening.
4. You just gotta, gotta, gotta go…the need to pee over and over and over again, is a good indication you’re knocked up, sunshine. It’s actually one of the earliest signs. Oh very well, I’ll excuse you from reading this article to go again…don’t forget to grab a roll of toilet paper…
5. You’re asleep on your feet! You tell your man you’re off to bed before eight o’clock, and if he thinks it’s a hint you want sex, boy is he going to be disappointed. You are totally and utterly exhausted. All the time. 24/7. Extreme fatigue is a neon sign you’re pregnant. Your body is surging with hormones and working overtime to make your baby. If you can, sleep. Sleep the whole nine months. Because when your baby is here, you’ll forget what that is.
6. “You make me sick!” I mean literally, not figuratively…well, maybe both. If you’re nauseas, and the mere action of brushing your teeth makes you hurl into the sink, chances are you’re ‘you know what’…
7. Your sniffer is sensitive…if you can smell with the efficiency of a blood hound, you’re probably pregnant. Sensitivity to odors is one of the first signs, probably because of increasing estrogen levels. Unfortunately, most things you smell won’t inspire happiness and harmony. Frying hamburger meat will most likely throw you into a violent vomit fest (see above.)
8. You’re stomach could make a living at Seaworld…you are bloated beyond belief. If someone makes the mistake of pressing against your abdomen, the effect could be likened to a five foot tall whoopee cushion. Another early sign of pregnancy. You might want to invest in some stretchy pants with an elastic waistband.
9. You’re late, you’re late, for a very important date! So you’re pretty sure you should have started your period already…so where is it? If you’re as confused as Alice down a rabbit hole, and your usual date with a maxi pad has been cancelled, it’s time to face the facts. You’re doubtless in the family way.
10. There’s a line in both test windows…you’ve pee-ed on the stick and stared at the pregnancy test anxiously for three minutes, with your partner pacing nervously in the background. The result is…hang on, read the instructions again…YOU’RE PREGNANT! At this point you can be pretty sure-at least 99% sure anyway. Make an appointment with your general practitioner, and a simple urine test will confirm it.